So it's 1:00 AM exactly on a... Wednesday morning? Yes that's about right. I've messed myself around all day and managed to come out thoroughly unprepared for my second and third HSC assessment tasks tomorrow (today?) and Thursday. Thus, self loathing time! I'm not sure what I'm talking about, it's been an odd few days and several different factors have culminated in an urge to overshare, how regrettable...
What I am thinking about right now is this: (in handy bullet point format!)
- unrealistic expectations (of self, others, relationships both friendly and romantic, humanity as a whole, etc)
- subsequent disappointment (I am pathetic, others are flawed, noone really knows what everyone else wants and if they did would they give it to them?, the planet is fucked, etc)
- emotional and/or physical connections: will I ever be satisfied? How the heck do you make people like you anyway?
- the incredible, strange, sometimes wonderful but mostly frightening changes I and presumably most of my friends are going through right now. In the head. Other places too I guess. The ravages of puberty leave noone unscathed. New bodies we don't understand? Sure, that's actually old news by now. But everything else is changing too. It's hard to put into words. It's probably called life experience, or waking the fuck up, or similar... There are all these new things in my mind, mini intellectual awakenings and attitude shifts and emotions, emotions.
- I can no longer use the word 'belonging' in ordinary speech or writing without being punched in the face by a disgruntled Advanced English student but can I just say that I'm struggling here. Maybe you are too, who knows? I don't know. You can tell me if you like. I won't know what to say though. I never do. (Oh God /wrists Bodhi, build a frigging bridge.)
- self-expression reallt. I suppose that's what this is all about. Again, sorry for making my loathsome thoughts and general headspace public. Although it's not like anyone's chaining you to a desk and making you read it. At least, I hope not! You should really get that checked out if they are dear...
Oh shit gentle reader, you've just lost several minutes of your life reading this bile, several minutes that you'll never get back. I myself wasted almost half an hour writing it! A sorry state of affairs, this whole being-alive thing has turned out to be. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. Opinion of the millisecond: I do not in fact like Chuck Palahniuk, his writing is brusque and arrogant and trashy. Not bad at one liners though. On this banal thought, I leave you! Off to find a more effective cure for stress, insomnia, and a quiet sneaking sort of loneliness. Bonne nuit.
P.S. Bodhi uses too much punctuation: (Y/N)?
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